Segment 49: TV? Again? Really?

November 20, 2022

Readers: When we run out of examples of bad writing on TV, both local and national, we’ll let you know.

1. “Returning now to our breaking news on last week’s shooting…” “We have breaking details.” “Watch out for breaking traffic.”

The term “breaking news,” sadly, has become meaningless, and is hovering dangerously close to being a cliché, if it hasn’t gotten there already. And don’t start with “breaking details” or “breaking traffic.” Those make no sense. They’re what we call “cliché creep.” But “breaking news” is the primary offender.
Four days after the Jan. 6, 2021, U.S. Capitol attack, TV still was calling it “breaking news." It still was the biggest story, but it wasn’t breaking news. This is: A plane just crashed. People just were shot at a bus station. The U.S. Senate just passed a historic vote. The CEO of a major corporation just resigned. Two hours later, it’s not breaking news, unless another plane crashed, another shooting occurred, another historic vote took place, or another CEO quit. Supplemental developments — plane passengers arrived at the hospital, buses started running again, the Senate took a dinner break, or the CEO was seen leaving his office carrying a cardboard box — are NOT breaking news. They still are big news, but they are not breaking news.
This might sound like a lot of judgment calls. It is. That’s why newspaper metro editors and TV producers get big bucks. But these days, most of the time, when TV says “breaking news,” it just isn’t.

2. “The restaurant manager said he handpicked his staff.”

What’s the difference between "picked" and "handpicked?" Just say “picked.” Otherwise it's both a redundancy and a cliché.

3. "An officer was killed and another injured after a car rammed a barricade at the U.S. Capitol."

“An officer was killed and another injured when a car rammed a barricade at the U.S. Capitol."

4. “Police said the investigation is ongoing.”

This is an “obviosity” (not a real word.) An investigation is presumed to be ongoing until police say it isn’t.

5. “All eyes are on the U.S. Senate this week. It’s what everyone’s talking about.”

We’re going to guess some eyes were elsewhere this week. And, sadly, across America, many people were clueless about what was happening in Washington and instead were talking about the Kardashians.

6. “A K-9 officer was killed Thursday in a shootout, authorities said.”

It’s a dog. OK? It’s a dog. It’s not a K-9. It’s a dog. Also, “K-9 officer” could mean not the dog, but the officer who handles the dog. Which is it?

7. “I’m joined tonight by Julián Castro, former HUD secretary in the Obama administration.”

Castro wasn’t the former HUD secretary in the Obama administration. He was HUD secretary. Right? Just say, “Castro, HUD secretary in the Obama administration.”

8. “Marian Hunt remembers watching former President George W. Bush sign the important legislation.”

See #7. At the time, W wasn’t “former President.” Say, “then-President.”

9. “An Afghan refugee who then had to flee Ukraine now is reliving her nightmare all over again.”

Reliving all over again? Redundant. Correct: “reliving.” Or, “living all over again.”

10. “At a rally Thursday, the community came together to let their voices be heard, saying they no longer would tolerate gangs and were determined take back the streets.”.

This is a grand slam of phrases that are both clichés and falsisms.
Even if "came together" wasn't a cliché, clearly a quick canvassing of whatever neighborhood this is would reveal most people were at home playing video games and cooking dinner and only the small group of activists who called the TV station actually "came together."
“Let their voices be heard." By whom? Cliché.
“No longer would tolerate." Sadly, the truth is, we either never tolerated gangs or always did. Either way, it’s likely nothing's going to change now. Wish it would.
"Take back the streets." Don't even start.

And finally: Not something TV gets wrong, but something people get wrong about TV. Local television stations affiliate themselves with networks that provide them national news and entertainment. A local station, with very few exceptions, is not owned by the network, and of course it isn’t the network. It’s the local outlet for the network. So when people appear on the local NBC station, don’t say they appeared on NBC, unless they also appeared on the national news.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/fyr8tpS4IRs

Next time: Who the heck is Ishmael anyway?

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

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From the Grammar Police

November 13, 2022

And that’s finale!

This is the same candidate we highlighted — twice — in our Sept. 4 Grammar Police post. The operative word is thing. “The last thing you and your family need is higher taxes.” Political consultants: Your candidate or PAC is paying you a lot of money. These mailings have all of a half dozen sentences. How hard is it to run them past an editor?

Remember remember the rule rule about redundancies redundancies: If you can remove one of the words and the sentence still makes sense, remove it! Also, instead of “50 percent,” would it kill you to just say “half?”And while it’s not grammatically wrong, we prefer “over” for spatial (“over the city”), and “more” for measurement. One more: “half of” is wordy. You just can say, “half.” And since we’re talking about teens, plural, it needs to be schools. So, dear consultant: we’ve just done your work for you and offer a grammatically correct, tight sentence with lots of punch: “More than half our teens fear shootings are possible at their schools.” Bam!

Help! Help! He’s on fire!

This likely was written in a hurry, so we will give the writer some slack. But just as a learning moment: “The hospital” suggests there’s just one and everyone knows which one That’s especially bad because the writer originally said “hospitals,” plural. “To the hospital” is a nice phrase for Grandma to use. Not writers.

This is a chronic goof. Veteran’s Day suggests it’s a day for one veteran. Veterans’ Day is wrong as well. It’s Veterans Day. A day to honor veterans. Don’t take our word for it.

We’ll make this photo this week’s finale.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 30: Politically Incorrect. https://youtu.be/dA_vKxul-xo

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:

Longtime reader Dr. Baruch Kahana asks the difference between increase and uptick.
The Rules Committee says: “Uptick is an increase, especially a small or incremental one.”
Milt Baker, Commander, U.S. Navy (retired), brings the following motion. He says that in our Nov. 6 column, when we wrote that the Associated Press stylebook considers all watercraft “boats,” but has different names for them depending on design and size (boat vs. ship.)
”You may be in sync with the AP Stylebook there, but you're out of step with the maritime world. As a lifelong sailor and a career U.S. Navy officer who has spent virtually all his life in, on or around the water, I'm here to tell you that in the maritime world a huge distinction is drawn between ships and boats, and one cannot correctly call a ship a boat any more than one can correctly call a boat a ship. In the maritime world confusing the two, or not drawing a distinction, is a colossal faux pas. How to make the distinction or tell the difference? The simple rule is that a boat can be carried aboard a ship. That's not 100% correct or definitive, but it's a good practical test for anyone writing for a maritime audience. Submarines are a different case. By tradition, submarines are called boats, no matter their size.”
The Rules Committee says: “Have to stick to the Stylebook: ‘A boat is a watercraft of any size but generally is used to indicate a small craft. A ship is a large, seagoing vessel. The word boat is used, however, in some words that apply to large craft: ferryboat, PT boat.’”

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong" features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police.” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, menus, TV news graphics, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we properly can credit you. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

Haven’t signed up for our newsletter yet? Do it now! And tell your friends!

NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of all of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 48: More questions of style

November 6, 2022

Readers: In a November 2021 segment, we discussed the concept of “style,” a question not so much of right or wrong, but rather “OK” vs. “better.” It’s a method by which institutions create rules for how to say certain things in a consistent way. We mentioned that we defer to the Associated Press’ “stylebook.” Here are more examples of style questions:

1. The struggling newspaper fired dozens of staffers.

A person let go for cause has been fired. A person let go because of budget cuts or because his/her job was eliminated has been laid off. “Laid off” is traumatic. But it isn't nearly as humiliating, or potentially scandalous, or most importantly, harmful to prospects for future employment, as getting fired. Make sure you're fair to a person by making the distinction.

2. We took a small boat to the cruise ship.

This is correct. Both are boats, but the two terms reflect the difference in size, especially when they are used in the same sentence and the context is obvious.

3. The woman was raped and her sister was sexually assaulted, while the niece was molested.

This gets into some delicate issues. As a rule, don’t say “rape” unless a person actually was penetrated. “Sexually battered” suggests an attack that is sexual and also causes injury. “Molested” implies just groping, which still is a crime, and a serious one in the case of a minor. “Sexually assaulted” is a good general term for a reporter to use if police are vague.

4. The man was extradited from the Indiana state prison back to Chicago to stand trial on the new murder charge, and his alleged accomplice was extradited from Fort Wayne to Indianapolis.

First one right. Second one wrong. Extradition is a formal process to move someone to another state to face criminal charges. It’s not correct when describing transferring people between locations in the same state.

5. Hundreds watched as a set of blasts shook the ground and the old hotel imploded.

An implosion primarily is a specific scientific event, mostly limited to vacuum tubes and unstable stars. Usage has allowed it to mean "to break down or fall apart from within." But the "Horribly Wrong" team says using it to describe a building demolition is just plain inaccurate. What you see when an old building crumbles is the building not imploding in, but rather just falling down. It’s a controlled collapse. Explosives are set off at key points, weakening the structure, and it collapses of its own weight.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/VrE6aHhLHqE

Next time: Why do we pick on TV? Well, they just make it too darn easy.

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From the Grammar Police

October 30, 2022

These goofs are spooky!

Sounds scary in my book!

This is to much.

Nope. How about this: “Black parents opting to homeschool their kids.” (PS: The dictionary says “homeschool” is OK as one word.)

We’ve beaten up TV for this, but newspapers used to do it all the time, and sometimes they still do. In an effort to put everything in present tense, these editors have created headlines that suggest the newspaper can tell the future. (Also, in the case of the reverend, the headline was wrong. He died Friday!) In these cases, if you just remove the day, the headline is OK. PS: The only place “dies Thursday” would work is in advance of an execution. Even then, you’d have to say, “is set to die,” since those often are delayed or even called off.

Sports networks like to provide a steady stream of live game updates. They will give the inning or period or half or quarter and, if applicable, how much time is left. Often a score will say “final,'“ indicating the game is over. And every once in a while, it will say something such as, “final Friday.” Well. If the game was Friday, and today’s Saturday, we’re guessing that not only is it final, but everyone has gone home and the stadium has been dark and locked up for about 24 hours. Look at the second example. These games have been “final” for weeks! How about we just omit “final?”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 29: Bad ads. https://youtu.be/K2z8qhvVXVM

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NOTE: Eliot and Lou Ann are available for speaking engagements, and can travel. Reach us through the comments section. Just think of your employees getting back to work on a Monday, their heads filled with all the ways we’ve shown them to be better communicators!

Segment 47: That's just wrong!

October 23, 2022

Readers: Sometimes you hear a clever phrase or even a cliché, and, if you thought about it, you’d realize it just wasn’t correct. The Horribly Wrong team calls these “falsisms” (not a real word.) We’ve addressed some in previous posts. Here are more examples:

1. This is attorney Steve Pliseck. Call us for the best legal assistance.
This is? What is? If Steve’s assistant is pointing at him, she can say, “This is Steve Pliseck.” Otherwise, Steve needs to say, “I am Steve Pliseck.”

2. “My name is Sergeant John Smith.”
“My name is Jim Bean, general manager of Tulsa Ford.”
Are those really their names? Does it say “Sergeant John Smith” on his birth certificate? Is there a driver’s license that says “Jim Bean, general manager of Tulsa Ford?” No. their names are just John Smith and Jim Bean. How hard is it to say, “I’m Sergeant John Smith,” or “I’m Jim Bean, general manager of Tulsa Ford?“

3. It was the penultimate game of the “Ultimate Frisbee” tournament.
If you’re using “penultimate” as “greatest,” or “final,” you’re wrong. Penultimate means “next to last.”

4. Controlling their destiny. Controlling their fate.
Wrong, wrong wrong!!! Destiny is something that’s out of your control. Same thing with fate.

5. “For all intensive purposes, this election is over.”
Yeesh. How about, “all intents and purposes.” And don’t even use it correctly. It’s a brutal cliché.

6. Hockey experts agree Lebeau was a coaching whiz.
If you’re saying the guy was a wizard, short for that would be “wiz.” “Whiz” has to do with urinating. Common usage has defeated us on this one, so “whiz” has become mostly accepted. Discuss?

7. The police are in route.
“En route.”

8. My old girlfriend left me a momento.
Memento.

9. We dove in, irregardless of the danger.
“Regardless.”

10. “You're invited, Few Seats Available, Call Now!”
This is from an actual email sent out by a dermatologist hosting a seminar. Besides featuring not one, but two comma splices, and improper capitalizations, it’s vague about whether a few seats are available, or few seats are available. They don’t mean the same thing. The first is encouraging, the second a warning. Which was the good doctor’s intent?

11. "We'll slash Florida rebates by up to 60 percent."
Hmmm. Let’s look for someone who will give us the full rebate.

12. “Here, Here!”
Nope. It’s “Hear, hear.” According to masterclass.com, the phrase likely dates back to the 17th Century British Parliament, probably as a corruption of “Hear him! Hear him!” when noise in the chamber was drowning out a speaker making an important point.

13. The girl clinched her fist.
Nope. You clinch a deal. In this case, you want “clenched her fist.”

14. Don’t cast dispersions on our efforts!
The right word is “aspersions.” Dispersion: the action or process of distributing things or people over a wide area. Aspersion: an attack on the reputation or integrity of someone or something. (Thanks to loyal reader Dr. Baruch Kahana)

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/qeTM-1-GWoE

Next time: More questions of style. And we don’t mean Ralph Lauren.

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From the Grammar Police

October 16, 2022

Grammar Police Weather Edition!

Readers: Even as the Horribly Wrong team makes light of grammar goofs related to recent weather events, we in no way make light of the resulting heartbreak, especially in our home state of Florida. Please consider a donation to the American Red Cross or some other worthy charity you have verified as legitimate.

There’s no there there! How about “Their homes”?

We’ve said we give some slack for typos, especially during critical events. But this ad appeared on the front page of a newspaper! Didn’t anyone notice?

It’s nasty out there. But that’s no excuse for messing up “lay/lie.” The house lies in the mud. And that’s no lie.

Make sure their dogs are free of flees!

Again: We give folks slack. The thing is, an hour later, this graphic still hadn’t been fixed. Of course, it should be “1.2M+” or “1.2mm+” or “1.2 million plus.” Not “1.2+.” That’s one customer and two-tenths of another. (NOTE: Reporters often misstate power outages. When the power company says 1.2 million customers are without power, they mean 1.2 million accounts, which of course is more than 1.2 million people. If you know they all are residential accounts, you can say, “1.2 million households.”)

In the past, we’ve covered the idea of grammatical optical illusions. Your eyes want you to see “debris” as plural. It’s not. It’s one of those strange “non-count” words, similar to “wreckage.” So this headline should read that debris “washes ashore.”

In weather terms, the only thing that can touch down is an actual tornado. Not a possible tornado. If you’re not yet sure it was a tornado, say something such as: “What might have been a tornado caused damage...” Also, according to weather.com, “…wind circulation must extend all the way to the ground before it can officially qualify as a tornado in progress. Therefore, saying that a ‘tornado touched down’ is redundant.”

And we go to the video archives for Segment 28: Misplaced Modifiers. https://youtu.be/9VVUqN8G5m8

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Segment 46: Logic flaws

October 9, 2022

Readers: We’ve talked about cowardly writing. One form of that is the employment of logic flaws, or logical fallacies. Eliot learned these all the way back in high school debate. At best, they’re a form of cowardly writing. At worst, they’re a form of dishonest writing. Here’s a list from the University of North Carolina:

• Hasty generalization. Making a firm statement based on limited samples: “All wealthy people are snobs.” Or, “My roommate said her philosophy class was hard, and the one I’m in is hard, too. All philosophy classes must be hard!”

• False cause. “President Jones raised taxes, and then the rate of violent crime went up. Jones is responsible for the rise in crime.”

• Slippery slope. “Animal experimentation reduces our respect for life and makes us more tolerant of violent acts. Soon our society will become a battlefield in which everyone constantly fears for their lives. It will be the end of civilization.”

• Weak analogy. “Guns are like hammers—they’re both tools with metal parts that could be used to kill someone. And yet it would be ridiculous to restrict the purchase of hammers. So restrictions on purchasing guns are equally ridiculous.”

• Appeal to authority. “We should abolish the death penalty. Many respected people, such as actor Guy Handsome, have publicly stated their opposition to it.”

• Ad populum. From the Latin for “to the people.” This is the same as the “bandwagon” fallacy. “Gay marriages are just immoral. Seventy percent of Americans think so!”

• Ad hominem. This attacks the person instead of the idea: “Andrea Dworkin has written several books arguing that pornography harms women. But Dworkin is just ugly and bitter, so why should we listen to her?”

• “You Too.” This argues that if the person who said it is a hypocrite, the argument automatically is wrong. “You tell me not to smoke, but you used to smoke.”

• Appeal to ignorance. “People have been trying for years to prove that God does not exist. But no one has yet been able to prove it. Therefore, God exists.”

• “Straw man.” The arguer sets up a watered-down version of the opponent’s position and tries to score points by knocking it down. “Feminists want to ban all pornography and punish everyone who looks at it! But such harsh measures are surely inappropriate, so the feminists are wrong: porn and its fans should be left in peace.” Most feminists don’t want to ban all pornography, just aspects such as child porn or cases of exploitation or human trafficking.

• False Dichotomy. Suggesting only an either-or. “Caldwell Hall is in bad shape. Either we tear it down and put up a new building, or we continue to risk students’ safety. So we must tear the building down.” Omits the option of repairing the building or blocking off the unsafe parts.

• Begging the question. Also called circular reasoning. “Giving money to charity is the right thing to do. So charities have a right to our money.”

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/pCIZ5EP_cns

Next Time: Things don’t have to be horribly wrong to be just plain wrong.

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From the Grammar Police

October 2, 2022

Eliot recently did some traveling and found beauty and culture and goofs!

Remember: “unique” is an absolute! You can’t be more unique or the most unique.

No matter where you travel, this still translates to “automatic teller machine machine.”

We’re going to skip the improper use of numerals (spell out under 10) and the mish-mash of capital letters, and the extra “the” after “during.” Let’s go straight to the at tempt to keep the em pire in tact.

Might be something to hear here.

For this, we turn to our bible, the Associated Press Stylebook:
SINGULAR PROPER NAMES ENDING IN S: Use only an apostrophe: Dickens' novels, Hercules' labors, Kansas' schools.
So it should be Luis’ wine.

Sal has plenty of flair. But he’d better not shoot off a flare!

Remember not to use the comma splice, it’s wrong, don’t use it! Each comma should be a period.

Egad! Now the comma splicers have gone after Sal, he’d better watch out, he might have to shoot off a flare!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 27: Very, very, very. https://youtu.be/KRWAhcl8zdY

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Segment 45: Do you eat at the Jimmy buffet?

September 25, 2022

Readers: Recently, in a letter to the editor, a writer referred to "Adolph Hitler." How does that happen? Adolf Hitler arguably is the villain of the 20th century (granted, it's a crowded field.). You’d think everyone knows how to spell his first name. At the very least, the newspaper's copy editor should have caught the goof.

Every day, folks make dumb mistakes about how to spell names of people, places and things. Or get them wrong altogether.

Some goofs leap out at you. Sometimes, as with foreign names (Khadafi, Qaddafi, Khadafy) or historical figures (Pharaoh Ramses, Pharaoh Rameses) there are differences of opinion about the official spelling. And we talked about foreign words and phrases in a March 2022 segment.

The “Horribly Wrong” team defers to either the Associated Press stylebook -- the bible for newspapers wanting to be both accurate and consistent -- or to any publication on AP’s list of authorized arbiters. (https://www.apstylebook.com/bibliography.)

Here are some classics:

WRONG CORRECT

Warren (tycoon) or Jimmy (singer) Buffet Buffett

Columbia (country) Colombia

District of Colombia Columbia

Colombus, Ohio Columbus

Pittsburg, Pennsylvania Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh, Kansas Pittsburg

Binghampton, New York Binghamton

The person spoke Iranian The person spoke Farsi

Philippine (resident) (not Phillipine) Filipino

Bombay, India Mumbai

Michael Angelo (painter) Michelangelo

Pope Frances Francis

Niagra Falls Niagara

NFL’s Chiefs play in Kansas City, Kansas Missouri

Camero (car) Camaro

Nicholas Gage (actor) Nicolas Cage

Barbara Streisand (singer/actor/director) Barbra Streisand

Dan Ackroyd (comedian/actor) Dan Aykroyd

Fort Meyers, Florida Fort Myers

Mike Meyers (comedian/actor) Mike Myers

Seth Myers (comedian/talk host) Seth Meyers

Doc Duvalier (Haitian strongman) François "Papa Doc" Duvalier or Jean-Claude “Baby Doc” Duvalier

Forest Gump (movie title and character) Forrest Gump

Jane Austin (novelist) Jane Austen

Frankfurt (Kentucky capital) Frankfort (Not Louisville!)

Frankfort (German city) Frankfurt

Amtrack (rail system) Amtrak

George Bush, Jr. (former U.S. president) George W. Bush

Barak Obama (former U.S. president) Barack

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/9TFzjLuTqHQ

Next time: Pretzel logic

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From the Grammar Police

September 18, 2022

The day’s of summer are fading. But incorrect apostrophe’s just keep hanging on.

And we go to the video archives for for Segment 26: NSFW. https://youtu.be/DZR4WGFEouY

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Segment 44: Stew

September 11, 2022

Readers: In April, we told you about the fun, amusement, entertainment and enjoyment our newspaper newsroom had with synonyms for “fight.” Here, via www.thesaurus.com, is another fun, amusing, entertaining and enjoyable exercise, this one with “assortment.” After all, who wouldn’t dig in to a steaming plate of gallimaufry?”

Blend

Collection

Combination

Combo

Gallimaufry

Goulash

Hash

Hodgepodge

Medley

Mishmash

Mixture

Pastiche

Patchwork

Salmagundi

Soup

Stew

Mixed bag

Mélange

Olio

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/4jZ3xJ9hN2I

Next time: How to speak Iranian

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From the Grammar Police

September 4, 2022

On the Stump

Not the Democrats worst nightmare. This candidate is the Democrat’s worst nightmare. No, that’s wrong. There’s more than one Democrat. Should be “Democrats’ worst nightmare.” (An aside: “Worst nightmare” is a cliché. Also, what would be your best nightmare?)

Same campaign. Only candidate who keeps Biden up. “That” for objects, “who” for people.

We’ve covered this before. “Like” means “similar to.” So this ad says we need to elect people who are similar to this guy. Which means other than this guy. Probably not what the campaign meant. Should be, “…send experienced leaders such as XXX to Congress.”

The past tense of “lead” is “led.” You learned that in fourth grade.

And we go to the video archives for Segment 25: Bad anatomy. https://youtu.be/mGbzbheMs0E

Calling all readers! Do you cringe when someone spells Jimmy Buffett as Buffet? Or describes someone from the Philippines as “Philippine” — or worse, “Phillipine” — instead of “Filipino”? Send your examples of bad spellings and identifications of people. places and things to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

From the mailbag: Our Aug. 14, 2022, post on “unforced errors” prompted loyal reader Mark McKee to suggest "could of, would of, should of" were corruptions of “could've, would've, should've.” Mark, you might be on to something!

Grovel: Some of you might have spotted the goof in our Aug. 21 post. (We fixed it online but it went through in the mailing). The post said an ad ran “a year ago yesterday, on Sept. 4, 2021. “ We originally had planned to post that in our Sept. 4, 2022, segment. We decided to move it up but forgot to fix the date reference. And the previous post was on Sept. 5, 2021. Our bad!

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Segment 43: Lazy

August 28, 2022

Just after Herman Melville published Moby Dick, and decades before that novel would be recognized as a classic, Melville penned a short story called "Bartleby the Scrivener." A scrivener, or a scribe, is essentially a public scribbler, similar to what secretaries did before the ease of computers gave lazy bosses no excuse not to do the work themselves. Reporters are scriveners. A little more than that, we’d like to think. They report what they see in documents. They try to translate it from the bureaucratic, but sometimes they're, well, lazy.

We’ve posted segments about “disqualifiers,” in which writers made fatal mistakes about history, anatomy and geography. Those subject areas also are rife with examples of writing that isn’t so much wrong as lazy. We often have said that good writing is about clarity. In that vein, we’ve said that sometimes it’s not a matter of using the right word but, rather, using a better word. Sometimes you have to try to know the mind of the reader. But we argue that it’s better to add a few words for those who aren’t sure.

A lazy reporter might write this: ‘Investigators have cited ‘spatial disorientation’ in Thursday's fatal crash off San Diego.”

An enterprising reporter might write this: “Socked in by fog in Southern California's notorious ‘June Gloom,’ the pilot in Thursday's fatal crash didn't know which way was up in the moments before he slammed into San Diego Bay, investigators have concluded.”

The second lead not only imparted more information, it provided a punch that made people want to read the story.

An article on a 2019 Bahamas helicopter crash listed "spatial disorientation," but never said what it is! The reader can kind of guess, but then she'd be doing the reporter's work. How hard would it have been to add the following paragraph, which Eliot did include in one of his plane crash report stories:

“...’spatial disorientation,’ a sometimes-fatal bane of pilots, in which they lose all visual contact with the ground or ocean and even the horizon, as well as their grip on their speed, location, and direction, and even if they’re facing up.”

That not only helps the reader, it again provides even more punch.

In journalism school, we were taught, “‘assume’ makes an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me.’” It still is a good rule. In July 2021, a story about a CNN documentary on the “sitcom” never defined “sitcom.” The term’s been around so long, most readers probably don’t know it’s a contraction of “situation comedy,” which, when you say it, makes the concept of a “sitcom” crystal clear. Don’t assume!

Here’s an example that comes right down to your front yard. At times, Eliot arranged for his lawn to be sprayed for bugs. He’d come home at the end of the day to find the sign at top. Here’s a typical phone conversation:

“I’m home. You sign says to stay off until the lawn is dry. Is it?”
”Yes. It was dry about two hours after we applied the treatment.”
”When did you apply it?”
”About 2 p.m.”
”How was I supposed to know that?“
Silence.
”So it’s dangerous for my children and my pets to go on the lawn before it’s dry. But you’ve not given me a clue as to when that is.”

We’ve called this the “contempt of familiarity.” How hard would it be to grab a Sharpie, as shown in the second sign?

The third sign had the right design, but, well, the technician forgot his Sharpie.

The fourth sign did include a Sharpie, but the time the pesticide was applied is worthless if the sign doesn’t say how long it takes for the lawn to dry.

A minor nit? Not if your two-year-old shoots out the front door and face-plants in the lawn.

Here are more examples where the writer failed to take a few extra minutes to make the story more clear. Or just assumed (!!!!!!!) the reader knew what he/she meant. And, maybe, aggravated the transgression by including unnecessary stuff!

1. “The new restaurant is at 9560 Glades Road, Suite 115.”
“The new restaurant is on Glades Road, across from the Palm Beach County Library, between Lyons Road and State Road 7.” Don’t presume your readers, who could live far from the place about which you’re writing, have a clue what that address means. Sure, nowadays, they just can look it up on their phone. But remember: anytime a reader has to stop reading your story to look up something you wrote, you’ve failed. And why bother with the suite number?

2. “Schnellenberger was born on March 16, 1934, in Saint Meinrad, Indiana. His parents were German-American. The family eventually moved to Louisville…”
Eliot’s wife is from Indiana and neither she nor her mother ever heard of Saint Meinrad. How about: “Schnellenberger was born to German-American parents on March 16, 1934, in Saint Meinrad, Indiana, about an hour west of Louisville, to where his family eventually moved.”

3. “Oak Park is about 9 miles from Chicago.”
The center of Oak Park might be 9 miles from the center of Chicago, but if you walk east from the Oak Park village hall (Eliot’s done it), you cross into the city of Chicago not in 9 miles, but in about 8 blocks. Say, “Oak Park is about 9 miles west of downtown Chicago.” (And yes, we did drop in “west of” for clarity.)

4. “Cincinnati police say the shooting suspect had bought his gun in Lawrenceville, Ga.”.
See #1. Do people in Cincinnati know where Lawrenceville, Ga. is? Most probably don’t. How hard is it to say, “…bought his gun in the Atlanta suburb of Lawrenceville, Ga.”

5. “Police said the man fractured his ulna.”
“Police said the man fractured his forearm.”

6 “In 1990, Bush loved to go bonefishing in the Keys with the likes of Brian Mulroney.”
Americans are shamefully ignorant of that big country just north of them. We have to help them. Did you know who Brian Mulroney was? Maybe. In this case, adding just four words makes sure: “In 1990, Bush loved to go bonefishing in the Florida Keys with the likes of then-Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney.” (Yes, sharp readers; we added a fifth word, “Florida.” Because most people in North America know the Keys are in Florida, but not all.)

7. “When he arrived in Washington to take his seat in Congress, Anderson moved into a townhouse once owned by Alger Hiss.”
See “Mulroney.” Many people today weren’t alive in 1948. Say: “When he arrived in Washington to take his seat in Congress, Anderson moved into a townhouse once owned by Alger Hiss, the federal staffer accused in 1948 of having spied for the Soviet Union.”

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/3y6r-xFW9Ig

Next time: What’s in the stew?

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From the Grammar Police

August 21, 2022

This outfit wins our first-ever “Chronic Award.” We showed this ad about year ago, on Sept. 5, 2021. We’re not so smug as to presume everyone reads our column. And we don’t contact offenders. That would shift us from observers to activists. But you’d think after a year, someone would have let these people know. Or that, if they knew, they’d fix it. Nope. As of today, the ad still ran exactly this way. In case you forgot, the ad literally says, “ten million dollars dollars.”

Clarity, clarity, clarity! Who supported Trump’s impeachment? Murkowski or her challenger? If you follow the news, you know it was Murkowski. But not everyone does. If the reader has to go look it up, the news outlet has failed. (And, by the way, Murkowski didn’t just support Trump’s impeachment, she supported his conviction. By now, most of us should know the difference. Clarity!)

Remember “Mother may I?” That’s what “may” means. It means you have permission. People often confuse it with “can,” which means “able to.” You “can” reach for a cookie, but it’s up to mother whether you “may” have one. In this case, “may” is used to mean “might,” but that’s wrong. If you feel “might” suggests a small probability, don’t say “could,” because he certainly is able to do it. Say, “judge considers unsealing…”

Umm, she already was missing before she vanished?

Eliot always has had a problem with “nuclear test.” A euphemism is “a mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing.” That’s what this is. You technically might be testing the thing. But it seems “test” minimizes the news that someone on this planet EXPLODED A NUCLEAR BOMB! We believe in clarity and impact. But since this is a judgment call, we throw it out to our readers. Discuss!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 24: Bad history. https://youtu.be/HzAwRcjI53w

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Segment 42: Unforced errors

August 14, 2022

Sarah Kilian/Unsplash — ***Sarah Kilian**/Unsplash***

The great thing about a blog dedicated to bad writing is that we have an exhaustive supply of material. Here are examples of people making third-grader mistakes they could avoid if they thought about it for just a second.

1. Could of, would of, should of.

Could have, would have, should have.

2. He faced backwards in line.

Backward.

3. Beside, you’re ugly, too.

“Beside” means “next to.” “Besides” means other than, and is grammatically correct in this context, even if the statement is rude.

4. He had an enlarged prostrate and had to lie prostate.

The prostate is the organ that causes men so much trouble. “Prostrate” is lying flat.

5. The advertisement peeked my interest. The advertisement peaked my interest.

You mean “piqued.”

6. “Today is my best friend in the world’s birthday!”

We don’t know where to start with this mess. Yes we do. “Today is the birthday of my best friend in the world.”

7. “Police found the dead body near a creek.”

In this context, “dead body” is redundant. Remember: Say the sentence without the word and see if it still works. Write like you are paying by the word!

8. “I will call you no later then 7 pm.”

Many people stumble on then/than. They did this time. Correct: “I will call you no later than 7 p.m.” (Special thanks to loyal reader Debi Murray.)

9. “We’ll return to the second act of ‘Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar’ after this message.”

You’re not returning to the second act. You’re returning to the show. You can’t return to the second act if you haven’t gotten there yet. Say, “We’ll return for the second act.”

10. “Stay tuned for the greatest spectacle in sports.”

10 . Eliot’s wife is from Indianapolis, so naturally they watch the Indianapolis 500 car race on TV every year. This line, said before every commercial, always threw Eliot. Shouldn’t it be, “Stay tuned for more of the greatest spectacle in sports”?

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/9Nxlrpxeb0I

Next time: Lazy is as lazy does.

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From the Grammar Police

August 7, 2022

Part of the Horribly Wrong team recently enjoyed a visit to the great north wood’s. it seem’s misusing apostrophe’s is as mandatory as fishing license’s!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 23: Bad geography. https://youtu.be/r3bSrxAE3MU

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z yu, unsplash.com — *z yu*, *unsplash.com*

Segment 41: You thought we were done with TV?

July 31, 2022

Last year, we spent a lot of time beating up on TV news. To be candid, the industry gives us a lot of material. So much that we had to create yet another segment.

1. "Officials were tight-lipped.”

How does that work? Do they actually stand in front of cameras with their lips tightly pressed? No. It’s a brutal cliché.

2. “The woman said the robber frightened her to death.”

She made an amazing recovery.

3. “The robbers shot the store owner as his family watched in horror.”

Brutal cliché.

4. “The community is in mourning.”

We'd like to think so. But how do you know? The Horribly Wrong team lives in a county with more than 1.5 million people and many communities. We’ll bet most didn’t even hear about the murder in question, and certainly aren’t mourning it. You can’t even say for sure that a neighborhood is in mourning unless you went door-to-door.

5. “The lawyer literally bled his clients dry.”

Don’t say “literally” unless you literally mean literally. Otherwise you’ve gone and hired an embalmer as your attorney.

6. “… brutal stabbing.”

When is a stabbing gentle? (Special thanks to Palm Beach Post alumnus Mitch McKenney)

7. “…shots rang out.”

Like the bells of St. Mary’s.

8. “It was a recipe for disaster.”

Needs more salt.

9. “According to two sources close to the issue, the New York Times reports that the president knew…”

Do you need sources to learn what the Times reported? A street rack would have done the trick. The writer might have meant the Times was quoting two sources. Which would make this a misplaced modifier.

10. “Two dolphins who beached themselves in the Florida Keys are recovering at a nearby marine lab.”

We covered this sausage-making in a February 2022 segment. TV feels it must put everything in present tense. So it doesn’t want to say the dolphins had been transported to a marine lab. That’s past tense. But here’s the problem. We don’t know if they’re recovering. Do we? Not everyone who goes to a hospital recovers, sad to say. In this case, it gets worse. People —including, presumably reporters — who live near the sea know that when a marine mammal beaches, it nearly always dies. And in fact, just minutes after reporting the dolphins were “recovering,” the anchor reported they had died.

11. “Police have many questions but few answers.”

You don’t say.

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/7Hf1c_2g7PQ

Next time: Unforced errors

From the Mailbag: “We cant forget the improper use of apostrophe's. What's worse is that I see them being used inconsistently. For some reason, people cant make up there mind's - use apostrophe's for plural's or dont use apostrophes for plurals? I'm no master of the English language, but it can't be that hard to remember. (All error's, including this one, are intentional - I hope.)” — Dave Barak

Dave: Funny you should mention. Well be visitin’g misused apostrophe’s next week! Stay tune’d!

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From the Grammar Police

July 24, 2022

We recently enjoyed a summer visit to New England. Fall is the time for bright colors. But anytime is a good time to keep an eye out for red circles.

Waiting on these machines leaves time to peruse. The waffles were good; the grammar not so much. First, why is “Not” capitalized? Also, the comma after “not” needs to go. And how does the “there” disaster happen in a society with public schools?

The sentiment is noteworthy. But good Americans are loyal to good grammar as well. Free yourself from misused commas! Use after “store” and “floor.” Use a colon after “USA.” And “Buy American” should end in a period. It matters.

Sautéed peppers and onions, we salute you!

And we go to the video archives for Segment 22: Style. https://youtu.be/Goq4t5nC0aw

From the mailbag: “A unit that heats the air is called a heater, but a unit that cools the air is called an air conditioner. In my home, I don’t want to “condition” the air; I want to cool it. How did this happen? — Dr. Baruch E. Kahana

The “Horribly Wrong” team is familiar with air conditioning. We live in Florida! Eliot wrote more than once about John Gorrie, the 19th -century Florida panhandle doctor who, searching for ways to cool air around yellow fever patients, developed the concept that would become air conditioning. Since that removed the only hurdle to everyone moving to Florida — which everyone pretty much did — Gorrie is either a saint or the devil! Here’s the answer to the doctor’s question. A/C doesn’t just cool air. It removes humidity, which we know ups the misery factor. Here’s more about the history of A/C from the Smithsonian Institution:

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Segment 40: More clichés coming right around the corner

July 17, 2022

Readers: In April 2021, we listed words or phrases that were so clever, people overused them. That’s the definition of a cliché. Here are more examples:

• A clean bill of health.

• A senseless murder (When’s the last time you saw a sensible one?)

• An untimely death. (We’ll argue few people would say someone’s death was timely)

• Out of an abundance of caution…

• Right around the corner.

• It fell on deaf ears.

• They’re lucky to be alive.

• Worst-case scenario

• A drop in the bucket

• Bundle of joy

• “Our thoughts and prayers are with the family…” (Many people are sincere. But we surmise that many others, after saying this, don’t think about, or pray for, the family at all.)

• “He was at the wrong place at the wrong time." (Even if it wasn’t a cliché, it probably isn’t true. Rarely is a person at both the wrong place and the wrong time. A person caught in a gang shootout while waiting at a bus stop was at the right place at the wrong time. And a person waiting at a bus stop who stepped out into the path of the arriving bus was at the wrong place at the right time.)

Watch this on video! https://youtu.be/AcsAxDk5Fxo

Next time: We pick on TV news. Again.

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From the Grammar Police

July 10, 2022

Heat-related brain freezes?

We all would support safety standards against hate. All three items in this graphic were about heat.

We checked other stories about this. It definitely referred to drones. Not drowning.

We love the Coast Guard and thank its members for their service. Its motto is “always prepared.” But whoever wrote this didn’t do a lot of preparation. First, not everyone knows “Spirit of Norfolk” is the name of a ship. So we’re envisioning the town of Norfolk, Va., having a fire that had a spirit that was extinguished. Huh? Then the writer reached for a misplaced modifier which suggested an extinguished fire was towed to a shipyard. Here’s an easy fix: “Update: Fire out; Spirit of Norfolk towed to shipyard.”

Would that be the left side of Gilligan’s aisle?

We’ve been looking at this phrase for years, and suddenly it hit us: In retail, everything is sold, “first come, first served.” Discuss?

And we go to the video archives for Segment 21: Prepositions. https://youtu.be/vkgrc3zTO7U

Items before the Assizes:
Oyez, Oyez, Oyez! On the docket:
Longtime friend and loyal reader Art Fyvolent asked the Rules Committee to revisit this item in our July 3, 2022, segment: “The professor’s opinions do not represent the views of the university.”
We posited that the university surely agrees with the professor on some things, so it must say the professor’s opinions “do not necessarily represent…” But, Art said, what if a professor wrote one particular essay in which the university does, indeed, disagree with every word? Art suggested such a statement would read, “The professor’s opinions on this issue do not represent the views of the university.” We concur.
Another reader pointed out that the original statement could mean the university as an institution has a particular set of positions and the professor’s writings clash. So say that.
And yet another said it could mean the professor wasn’t authorized to speak on behalf of the school. OK. The school should say that.
We again cite William Strunk’s byword: Clarity, clarity, clarity!

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SOMETHING WENT HORRIBLY WRONG!

A blog about better writing.

By Eliot Kleinberg

With Lou Ann Frala

And that’s finale!

Grammar Police Weather Edition!

On the Stump

We recently enjoyed a summer visit to New England. Fall is the time for bright colors. But anytime is a good time to keep an eye out for red circles.

Heat-related brain freezes?

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