Segment 73: The Canadian club

In our last segment, we talked about how America and Great Britain use the same language differently. Granted, England is the mother country. But for clashes of vernacular, we didn’t have to go that far; just to our neighbors to the north.

Canada is our second-biggest trade partner (behind China), the other side of the longest peaceful border in the world, and the folks who gave us hockey, Alexander Graham Bell, Anne of Green Gables, and Michael J. Fox. Despite that, many Americans really disrespect our closest friends by knowing almost nothing about them. They don’t know poutine from parkades, Montreal from Medicine Hat, or Dan Aykroyd from Leslie Nielsen. (Surely you can’t be serious!)

But those Canadians do talk funny sometimes! Next time you encounter Canadian snowbirds, run these phrases past them. (As in the U.S., some are regionalisms.) You’ll be surprised how many things Americans get wrong! Soory.

Also, les gens parlent aussi français !

American                                Canadian
Bathroom                                Washroom
Couch                                     Chesterfield
Don’tcha think?                  Eh?
Elementary school                  Public school
Firehouse                           Fire hall
Garbage disposer                  Garburator
Gas station                           Gas bar
Grade a test                            Mark a test
Hot dog, loaded/the works/all the way. Hot dog, all-dressed
Non-dairy creamer                 Whitener
Paper napkin                          Serviette
Parking garage                        Parkade
Rubber band                            Elastic
Rube/yahoo/bumpkin/hick/hayseed Hoser
Studio apartment                   Bachelor apartment
Substitute teacher                   Supply teacher
Suck-up/yes-man                    Keener
Sweat pants                             Track pants
Take a test                               Write a test
Tennis shoes                            Runners
Unemployment insurance      Pogey
”Waiter: The check, please.”    “Waiter: The bill, please.”
Whole milk                               Homo milk
Zee (last letter of alphabet)                   Zed
ZIP code                                 Postal code

Things Canada gets right:
Metric. C’mon. Freezing at 32 degrees? A mile is 5,280 feet? A gallon is 128 ounces? A ton is 2,000 pounds? It’s dizzying. And out of touch with the rest of the world. Imperial: Myanmar, Liberia, and the United States. That’s it.

Metric is real simple. Water boils at 100 and freezes at zero. A hundred kilometers an hour is a good speed to drive. A liter is a perfect size for a party-sized soft drink bottle. A thousand grams equals one kilo (Right, South Floridians who grew up in the 1980s drug wars?).

One day the U.S. government will give us five years to go metric. You’ll kick and scream. And at the end of five years you won’t remember what an inch is.

Uniquely Canadian:
Loonie, Toonie: One- and two-dollar coins, named for the loon on the front.
Poutine: French fries and cheese curds.
Toque: A wool cold-weather cap
Two-four: A case of 24 beers (Molson’s or Labatt’s? You decide, you hoser!)

Canadian readers: Any challenges? Additions? Send ‘em in, eh?

Watch this on video: https://youtu.be/gUTKiaT12H8

Next time: ¡Algo salió terriblemente mal!

Readers: "Something Went Horribly Wrong," features samples of bad writing we see nearly every day. You can participate! Be our duly deputized “grammar police:” Your motto: “To protect and correct.” Send in your photos of store signs, street signs, newspaper headlines, tweets, and so on. It doesn’t have to be a grammatical error. It can be just what we call “cowardly writing.” Include your name and home town so we can credit you properly. You're free to add a comment, although we reserve the right to edit or omit. Now get out there! Send to Eliot@eliotkleinberg.com

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